The Fear of Saying No

I got a brutal reminder of how saying no can be gift recently.

Debbie was sobbing as we talked. Her father passed away earlier that morning at what Debbie learned just days earlier was a weeks-long hospice experience. Finally advised by her stepmother that her father was on his deathbed, Debbie asked her daughter, Kim, to take Debbie for a final visit with him.

“Sure thing, Mom, we’ll go after work.”

After work turned into tomorrow morning, which turned into the following day and ultimately culminated in Debbie’s father passing away without her getting a chance to say goodbye.

It goes without saying: Debbie was devastated.

I asked Debbie why she hadn’t called me. I deliberately structure my days to contain free blocks of time; I could have easily helped her.

“Well, Kim said she would take me. Should I not have believed her?”

At this, my heart broke for Debbie a second time. Not only had she lost the opportunity to say a final goodbye to her beloved father (from whom she’d been estranged for several years), she also felt betrayed by her daughter in the process.

When we find ourselves avoiding conflict in a relationship, we gain important information about it.

Sadly, I hear some version of Debbie’s story several times a year. The stories aren’t always about a parent passing or a child not following through on a promise; sometimes, it’s a complete lack of responsiveness from someone who once was incredibly responsive, an act now called “ghosting.”

I find it interesting that at the same time we have an increase in ghosting behavior, we also find that building and maintaining relationships is increasingly cited as one of the biggest challenges faced by millennials.

When I speak to people who behave as Kim did, I find that the reasons they fail to follow through on their promises usually boil down to two simple reasons.

Two Reasons Saying No Is a Challenge

1. They underestimated their other commitments.

I’ve written before about how easily we can over-commit ourselves, and how saying “yes” to everything damages our relationships. Even when we aren’t over-committed, though, we can easily underestimate the amount of a time a task will require of us. When we have two commitments of matching urgency and importance, one of them will always lose.

2. They were afraid to hurt the other person’s feelings.

I heard this from someone in one of my support groups: They were afraid to say no because they were afraid it would disappoint or upset the other person.

I’m going to come straight out and say it: They were probably right. No one likes being told no. No one likes being put on hold or feeling like they come in second. In reality, this challenge is about learning how to have a difficult conversation.

Those who ghost also cite this point as the reason they don’t respond. They are afraid of creating conflict. What they miss is that ghosting is the best and surest way to destroy the relationship.

Ultimately, this reason is simply about conflict avoidance.

When we find ourselves avoiding conflict in a relationship, we gain important information about it. If we don’t trust that the other person will receive our nowell, then how strong is the relationship to begin with? What other trust issues exist in the relationship? Is the relationship as strong as we want to believe it is?

Ghosting is the best and surest way to destroy the relationship.

Strong, healthy relationships sustain a no with dignity. We acknowledge that the other person is human and has natural limitations, whether physical, environmental, emotional, or situational. When we hear a no from someone we trust, we understand that it is not a slight directed at us, but simply a boundary drawn by the other person.

Giving a kind no is a gift to the relationship. It says “I trust you are strong enough to hear this from me.” It also says, “Your need is valid and you deserve the dignity of finding someone who can meet it.”

Conversely, saying no builds trust in a relationship. It lets us know where we stand in the relationship. It provides security and assurance. Counter-intuitively, saying no can be one of the biggest gifts we give the relationship.

If Kim had the courage to say no to her mother, Debbie would have known she needed to find alternate transportation. She would have known to call me — of any of her other friends — for assistance.

If Kim had the courage to say no to her mother, Debbie would have had the chance to say goodbye to her father.

Be kind. Say your no.

What’s one time you’ve used your “no?” What happened as a result?