Relationships: Do I Stay or Do I Go?

As we start making our journey back to mental health, we heal many aspects of our hearts and learn new ways to live. Negative coping mechanisms get replaced by skills, and, for most of us, we start considering the kind of life we want to lead. As we rethink our approaches to life, relationships are one area that naturally comes up for examination.

For most of us, we either grew up with unhealthy relationships, or found ourselves in them as a result of our pain, trauma, or struggles due to our disorders. This is especially true for those of us who fell into addiction as a way to manage the experiences and emotions we didn’t know were a result of whatever illness we live with.

In fact, if you’re like me, then you’ve probably started to work your way through your relationships in therapy. For me, my relationships with my parents were important to examine, especially how they influenced my inner critic and core thinking.

What I found in going through this process was that my relationships fell into four basic categories: Healthy, Mostly Healthy, Unhealthy, and Toxic.

Healthy relationships are those where there is mutual respect. Boundaries, once set, are maintained and honored. Conflicts still exist, but they are resolved through direct interaction. There is trust on both sides. These relationships don’t have to be familial; they can also exist at work or in another arena of our life. As a result, while affection and love may exist in these relationships, they are not necessary for it to be a healthy relationship. (The same is true of intimacy; we may not share our most soul-exposing secrets with these people either.) Having healthy relationships with those in our inner-most circle is critical to our emotional well-being.

Mostly healthy relationships have most of the characteristics listed above. Boundaries may be crossed from time-to-time; sometimes, it may be intentional. Other times, it is accidental. Resolving conflict starts to be challenging in these mostly-healthy relationships. We may be uncomfortable and fear the response we will get if we raise a legitimate concern, or perhaps we don’t have the best reputation for that, either.

Additionally, there may be some breaches of trust. Perhaps it’s sharing a secret or some minor gossiping. Either way, these breaches of trust are identified and addressed. We are not as intimate with these people as we might be in other, healthier relationships. We may exercise some caution in what we reveal to these people.

Unhealthy relationships are a further degradation of the relationship dynamic. Boundaries are rarely respected, and we feel a need to protect ourselves in our interactions with them. Conflict resolution is commonly marked with dramatic responses and emotions which often outstrip the severity of the offense. Relationship details and trials are widely shared with others, and many times, we place false trust in these people. At least one side has little regard for the other.

Toxic relationships are the worst of all. These are people who drag us into addictions, abuse us, and in which drama is the defining factor. Boundaries are non-existent, trust is low, hurt is high, and conflict is often based on minor details. Core issues in the relationship are never addressed, and the fault is applied to the other person. No one wins in a toxic relationship, although “winning” is the desired result.

It’s a good exercise to actively go through our existing relationships and understand where they fall. For example, I have a very healthy relationship with Dan, my husband. Neither of us likes to feel a rift in our relationship, so we both move actively toward resolution when a conflict arises. We have a deep respect for each other. I know that when he does something that feels “off” or “wrong” to me, that I can ask him about it and get a (usually) reasonable answer. While we both make mistakes and we are not human, we generally own up to our faults and accept each other for who we are – and who we aren’t. This is the healthiest relationship in my life, and I use it as a guidepost for the others.

In going through and evaluating existing relationships, we can figure out which relationships are important to us and their existing state. Here’s another example: my relationship with my mother is mostly healthy, and it’s important to me. That’s a relationship I want to work on.

A relationship with someone from my teen years, however, is unhealthy and not particularly healthy for me. I may decide to leave this relationship dynamic as it is, or I might prioritize this relationship and see what I can do on my side to improve it. I’ve made both decisions; neither is easy.

I’ve been fortunate that I’ve avoided toxic relationships on the whole and terminated quickly those I did find myself in. I’ve had one abusive relationship that lasted for a while; however, life intervened, and that person left my life. It was a valuable lesson for me.

Regardless of the decision you make for each relationship, do keep in mind that improvement is a two-way street. We can claim responsibility for our role and mistakes and commit to doing better to build a healthier relationship, but that commitment needs to be mirrored by the other person. If the other person refuses to respect your boundaries or respond positively (and this may take time, so patience is essential), then it doesn’t matter how much you want to save the relationship. That person is telling you that the relationship isn’t as important to them as it is to you.

At this point, you have two options: Accept that the relationship will not change and that the other person will not change, or choose to end the relationship. If you decide to accept the relationship as it is, it is wise to take additional steps to protect yourself. This often looks like sharing less-intimate details of your life or minimizing your contact with that person. Either way, by making a conscious decision, we can take the sting out of the hurt we may experience.

If you decide to end a relationship, remember that you don’t necessarily have to announce your decision. (Unless it’s a romantic relationship, in which case please be courteous and let the other person know your choice.) While “ghosting” gets a bad rap, it can be the right answer to ending a relationship. When we ghost, we drift away from the relationship. We don’t connect with the other person as frequently and respond to fewer and fewer texts and calls.

While ghosting works well in most healthy and unhealthy relationships, toxic relationships usually need a more clear-cut response. In this case, cutting off contact altogether is the best way to care for yourself. If you are in an abusive relationship, it is wise to make contact with someone familiar with abuse and work out a plan of action to help keep you safe in the process.

It can be scary to let go of relationships. A good example is cutting off a relationship with a toxic parent; in these, it is crucial we grieve its loss. Also, many people worry that they won’t have new friends to replace the relationships they’ve released or changed. The reality is that, as you get mentally healthier, healthier relationships will find you. (It also helps if you put yourself in a position to meet people who are more likely to be emotionally healthy, like volunteering at a church.)

Regardless of what we choose and how we move forward, having clarity on our relationships puts us in control of our lives. We step into the next phase of each relationship with clarity, which gives us freedom.

Have you examined your relationships? What did you learn in the process? How have your relationships been impacted by your recovery process?