Taming the Inner Critic for Good

Our brains are expert liars, and they employ the inner critic to help them in their dirty work.

The inner critic twists truths and creates stories around a set of facts that can utterly convince us that the objective reality is actually false.

Here’s an example: I’m an avid knitter. I have literally 25+ pairs of socks (and it may be closer to 30 by the time this is published) that I wear in the winter. I love wearing my hand knit socks. It’s a little piece of joy in my day.

Yet, my brain likes to tell me I never complete anything.

This is objectively false. My drawer is full of socks and sweaters and tops I’ve knitted and wear often.

That truth doesn’t stop my brain. It still loves to whisper in my mind that I’m inadequate, incompetent, and never complete projects.

I know I’m not alone in this experience. We all have an inner critic, a voice in our head that points out where we’ve made mistakes. Gleefully, it likes to point out that this wasn’t the first time we’ve made the mistake either. A slideshow of errors and missteps parades through our minds, reminding us of all our failures.

The best is when this happens at night; instead of sleeping, the inner critic is using a megaphone to remind us of our faults and fostering a sense of deep shame.

Truthfully, the inner critic can be helpful to us. It helps us put out our best work and strive for improvement. It helps us grow and identify when we need to apologize to a loved one. It also helps us recognize when we’ve done well and points out what we did successfully.

For too many of us with a mental illness, however, that inner critic never quite seems to catch the good stuff. It’s like the sports coach who is always yelling out directions and how we could be doing better, so all we ever hear is the negative stuff.

For some of us, the inner critic takes the voice of a parent. We hear comments they might have made to us as children. When our internal critical voice is that of a parent, it throws us back to our childhood state, bringing back feelings of worry, guilt, and shame.

The challenge is that these thoughts become ingrained in our sense of identity. Hi, I’m Teresa, who never completes anything. Hi, I’m Teresa, who is overly-sensitive and a drama queen. Hi, I’m Teresa who talks too quickly and too often.

Remembering that the inner critic doesn’t get to define our identity is the first step to conquering it.

Additionally, there are some steps we can take to help us further identify where the inner critic is stepping in and help us defeat it.

1. List a few of the things your inner critic likes to say to you.

Mine tells me, “You’re smarter than this;” “don’t be stupid;” “this is why we can’t have nice things;” and, “dummy up.”

2. Picking one item from your list, write down your first memory of having the thought. Include as much detail as possible, such as what was happening, where you were, etc.

I started telling myself “you’re smarter than this” in my early 20s. I had maxed out my credit cards – again – and I was frustrated with myself for not following my budgets and repeating my mistakes.

3. Next, write down the most recent memory of when you had this thought. Again, include as much detail as possible.

I’m not always the most detail-oriented person, and that shows up when I’m working on my website sometimes. I recently updated a component on my site without backing it up first, and the update failed and took my website temporarily offline. I was really frustrated with myself for not backing everything up first, although it all worked out fine in the end.

4. Ask yourself how this thought has impacted your life. Write down your answer.

My inner critic telling me that I never complete anything has held me back significantly in my life. There are passion projects that I haven’t pursued or stopped at the first roadblock because “there was no point in it” since I would just not complete the project anyway.

Worse, the few times I did try to get something started, this thought also convinced me that whatever I produced had to be absolutely perfect so it could take off quickly and I couldn’t not complete it.

These are major reasons I didn’t start writing/blogging until recently, although I caught the writing bug at a young age. I couldn’t do it perfectly, and I wouldn’t see it through anyway, so what was the point of even trying?

I’m left with a lot of regrets on this point, although doing well with Wounded Birds Ministry helps.

5. Write down some ways your life would change if you banished or altered this thought.

Imagine that this thought doesn’t exist. What would your life look like?

When I finally was able to overcome this thought, I started Wounded Birds Ministry, wrote a book and now I have several other books and affiliated projects in progress. Some of them are taking longer than I’d like, and some I may never complete.

And I’m completely comfortable with either of those results.

6. Identify times you’ve disproved this thought.

For me, the reality is that I really have completed projects. I have tons of knitwear I’ve made and wear on a regular basis. I graduated high school, and then college. I finish books I’m reading all the time.

I successfully make the bed; that’s a completed project, too.

Once I started listing out all the times I’ve followed through and completed something, I began to see how ridiculous an inaccurate my inner critic was on this point.

7. Create a list of alternative thoughts.

This one is usually where I see people get stuck. Our inner critic likes to claim the title “Expert,” when it should be “Liar.” These thoughts feel unquestionably true, so challenging them may feel impossible or ridiculous.

You can still create a list.

Here are some alternative thoughts to “You’re smarter than this!”

– I’m human.
– Humans make mistakes. I make mistakes. Mistakes are natural and healthy.
– Perfection is overrated. People don’t connect with my perfection, they connect with my reality.
– I live with a mental illness. I have an additional roadblock that many others don’t face.
– What has my sleep/nutrition/stress levels been like/were like at the time I made the mistake? There’s probably a good explanation in here, and maybe I can tweak my treatment plan.

Here are alternative thoughts to “You never complete anything!”

– I wrote a book. It lives on a shelf in my office.
– I wear hand knit socks nearly every day. Each of those is a completed project.
– I’ve finished many journals. That means consistent attention to my mental health and that I haven’t given up on it.
– I’ve successfully grown a human into a teen. Considering I never was able to keep a plant alive for more than four months, this is a fantastic accomplishment for me.

8. Keep the list of your alternative thoughts near you. The next time your inner critic speaks up, reference the list.

It can take some time to overcome the thoughts our inner critic likes to write into our brains, but it does happen. Even now, my inner critic wants to speak up, and I have to remind her (my inner critic uses my mother’s voice) that I know she’s wrong.

The hard work pays off over time. As we slay the thoughts our inner critics feed us, the better life you’ve imagined for yourself will start to emerge. It’s incredibly rewarding to experience, and you can experience it, too.