Forgiveness, Grace, and Justice Go Together

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced in my life has to do with forgiveness. Raised Christian, I took a couple of the core messages to heart in a way that was damaging for me. As a result, I found myself granting forgiveness to people who abused that forgiveness and set myself up for a pattern of consistent hurt, pain, and betrayal.

In talking with people lately, it seems I’m not the only person who struggles with healthy forgiveness. While I can’t say that I’m a master at it, I have learned a few key points that allow me to grant forgiveness without setting myself up for future disappointment (mostly).

Here in the United States, we have two general approaches to forgiveness and justice: string-’em-up and forgive-and-forget. In the first, we do more than hold the guilty party accountable for their actions; we pronounce the maximum sentence possible in a scorched-earth approach. Many times, this looks like a complete severing of the relationship or some form of constant punishment for their actions or words. Regardless of the form it takes, it is taken to an extreme.

In the second approach, we do more than simply forgive: we forget the offense entirely, regardless of its severity. There can be many motivations behind this approach. Especially among Christians, grace and mercy are considered virtues. References to Jesus saying that we should forgive each other “Seven times 70” (Matthew 18: 21–22) and “turn the other cheek” (Matthew 5: 39) are considered key touchstones for proferring forgiveness in all situations.

Beyond simple grace, though, I think we often have other motivations behind a forgive-and-forget approach. I know I’m guilty of wanting to believe the best of someone. Expressing a few of the right words has often been enough to convince me of their regret and grant forgive-and-forgetness. I think you can guess the results: I’ve often felt like a punching bag for others, extending myself over and over again, receiving neglect, betrayal, or abuse in return.

In both situations, forgiveness and justice are divorced. There can be merit in this approach: for those who have never received grace, the gift can unleash a new worldview that previously felt overly Pollyannish and unrealistic. Particularly for those who have felt the pain of punishment and consequences, sometimes grace is the opportunity to catch a breath and consider a different perspective. It’s a second chance for those unaccustomed to them.

More often, however, justice is a necessary component of the process. As anyone who has ever attended a parenting class has ever learned, the punishment must fit the crime both in nature and severity. In my case, this was a real challenge. As I started to walk my road back to mental health, my switch flipped from never implementing any consequences to the opposite extreme.

Every small slight suddenly demanded a strong consequence. What appeared to be a small lie would get blown up to a major trust issue (“If you’re lying to me about this, what else are you lying to me about?”) and more than once, I simply severed the relationship. Other times, I held tight to the experience, using it to justify my negative behavior.

There were experiences and pain behind those decisions, but that history was in prior relationships: I was carrying those stories from my past into my present and effectively punishing this new person for the sins of others. Often, they didn’t deserve it.

As my therapist would say, “It may feel good, but is it effective?”

Honestly, it took a series of parenting coaching sessions to help me understand the importance of tying consequences to behavior and determining appropriate proportionality. I learned that punishment and consequences are different beasts, although they sometimes share characteristics.

I’ve often felt like a punching bag for others, extending myself over and over again, receiving neglect, betrayal, or abuse in return.

What I discovered was an interesting balance: In setting a consequence, I built stronger relationships, and that what appears (to me) to be minor consequences feel major to the other person. Maybe it’s the interplay of guilt and disappointment that drives that second point; I’m not sure. What I am confident of is that the extreme, string-‘em-up approach is unnecessary and usually counter-productive.

At the end of the day, though, forgiveness is ultimately not about grace or justice. It’s a mental health issue.

The Oxford Dictionary defines forgiveness as the following:

1. Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake
1.1 No longer feel angry about or wish to punish (an offense, flaw, or mistake)

Under these definitions, forgiving someone has nothing to do with them: it’s about managing our emotional experiences. It’s not about consequences and punishment, but releasing emotions that hold us back.

Forgiveness is ultimately not about grace or justice. It’s a mental health issue.

So how do we do this? How do we grant true forgiveness, releasing painful emotions? I wish I had a formula I could share; I would find it incredibly helpful. What I can do is share some things I’ve found help me:

– Evaluate the situation and figure out exactly what about it impacted me. Sometimes, the emotion is outsized for the experience and it’s because it triggers remembered past pain. Separating out past experiences from present ones often helps me find needed perspective.

– Set context around the other person’s actions. We are human, which means that (by definition) we’ve lived through pain and have some emotional scars. I find that when I understand someone else’s story, I can set context around their behaviors and gain some insight into underlying or hidden motivations. This context does not excuse the behavior, but it does help me gain empathy.

– Evaluate what I gain from holding on to the negative emotions. All coping mechanisms provide some payoff (or we would stop doing them), so holding on to anger, sadness, or other “negative” emotions provides me some benefit that I often don’t understand at the moment.

– Evaluate how I’ve problem-solved the situation. Am I comfortable with how I responded to the situation, including the consequences I enacted? Typically, if I’m still holding on to emotion after problem-solving, it’s because it still feels unresolved for me.

– Remember that my anger/frustration/sadness doesn’t impact their well-being. The only person truly impacted by my emotions is me (acting out as a result of the emotions is a behavioral response and not an emotional one). My anger doesn’t inflict pain on the other person.

Going through these steps is usually enough to help me get resolution and come to a place of true forgiveness. However, I would be lying if I said that I never have to revisit these questions for a given situation. Sometimes, old feelings get triggered in present circumstances, and I have to work my way back through them (much like the grieving process).

Either way, understanding the relationships between justice, forgiveness, and mental health has helped me come to a healthier place in my own life with stronger relationships. What about you?

Do you struggle with forgiveness and boundaries? What have you found helps you?