When You’re Not Being Heard

I’ve had a few situations come up recently in relationships that have left me feeling frustrated, angry, and disappointed. I’ve learned a lot of skills to help me take action more effectively in these situations, and they’ve helped a lot.

Even so, there are times when I don’t get the response I want. Or sometimes, I do receive the response I want, but I’m still irritated by the fact that I have to address the issue in the first place.

Here’s a good example:

There’s been some family history that came back up recently, as there is a possibility we can get it properly addressed. (I’ll write on this at some point.)

As one of the first steps in resolving the situation, my parents made the decision to make a public statement at a meeting that was called on the topic. When I heard that my mother was considering speaking at the event, I requested a heads up so I could be in attendance.

I felt hurt, angry, disappointed, invalidated, minimized, and ignored.

There were many reasons I wanted to be in attendance. Firstly, I support my parents’ effort here, and it’s important to me that I show up for the people I care about. Second, I’ve felt silenced on this issue for many years, and I would have felt heard vicariously through my mother.

Lastly, there are additional emotional implications for me (tangentially related to this issue), and I believed it would have helped me make my way through them.

I did not hear back from my parents, so I assumed my mother had decided against speaking. Imagine my surprise, then, when my parents forwarded on the text of her remarks to us the day after the event.

Not being heard left me feeling hurt, angry, disappointed, invalidated, minimized, and ignored. I imagined many reasons why I was not told, most of which boiled down to a history of being called a “drama queen” when the reality was that my bipolar disorder was undiagnosed.

I had several avenues of response as I saw it:

– I could call my parents up and inquire why my request was not honored
– I could call my parents out over the group email and express my anger and suspicions
– I could choose to cut my parents off
– Plus a few other, unhealthy options

What do you do when conflicting desires collide in a relationship?

While I was deciding between my options, an opportunity presented itself in the form of my mother asking me what I thought of her speech. I told her the truth: I thought it was good and I wished I had been there to hear her say it.

“I just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.”

I heard her answer, and it left me still unsettled. What do you do when conflicting desires collide in a relationship? My mother was entitled to her feelings and preferences, just as I was.

Yet, I was left managing my difficult emotions, and I wasn’t going to get the closure I wanted from my mother.

I felt unheard in our relationship, and that made me feel minimized and unimportant

Why? Why was I so upset when I could agree that my mother was being utterly reasonable?

It took a while, but I finally realized what was really bothering me: I wasn’t being heard in our relationship, and that made me feel minimized and unimportant to her.

What I recognized at that moment was that it didn’t bother me that my mother didn’t want me there; what upset me was that I didn’t get a courtesy call saying, “Hey, I’m giving this speech, and I know you want to be there. Giving this speech is really difficult for me, and I’d prefer not to have people I know in the audience.”

I believe I would have understood her feelings and request and honored them. Being heard and having my wishes acknowledged, even if they weren’t fulfilled would have made a difference for me. I was especially frustrated when I learned that another sister did receive this phone call.

The source of many conflicts in my relationships is when I feel brushed off when I express a desire or interest.

At this point, it dawned on me that not being heard is a consistent sore point for me. The source of many conflicts in my relationships is when I feel brushed off when I express a desire or interest.

Knowing this now, I expect that I will handle future conflicts more maturely. I will evaluate the situation from a new angle and determine if the conflict is really about the conflict, or about something deeper, like not being heard.

Also, this revelation has me going through my existing relationships and categorizing them differently. I did bring up this point with my mother, who said she understood my viewpoint and apologized for not calling me. I believe that we broke through a new level in our relationship, and I find that encouraging.

I have a voice, and it deserves to be heard.

But in other friendships, I know I’ve raised this issue before without satisfactory resolution. It has me looking at those relationships and considering how much trust I should place in them.

Alternatively, there are minor relationships where I’ve always felt heard and validated; I think I should work on expanding those and work toward deeper intimacy.

It also means that I’ll approach customer service situations differently. I have a voice, and it deserves to be heard.

Learning this key point about myself means that I can use more wisdom in the future and that’s always a good thing.

What’s a trigger for you in your relationships? What do you do when you’re not being heard? I invite you to share in the Comments section.