Relationship Boundaries Make Us Stronger

Mental illnesses usually bring with them a host of additional challenges and traumas. For example, it is unusual for me to have someone in one of my support groups who doesn’t also have addiction or alcoholism in their past. Another common challenge? Setting proper relationship boundaries.

Often boundary-setting is a core challenge in our most difficult relationships. I’ve observed (and this is true in my own life, as well) that too often, we don’t feel deserving of setting boundaries in the first place.

“It’s not that big a deal” or “I can handle it/him/her” are common refrains for those of us who are afraid to set relationship boundaries.

At the heart of these statements is fear. Sometimes, the fear is that we will anger the other person; sometimes, that the other person will think less of us. Sometimes, the fear is that the boundary won’t matter: The other person will walk all over it regardless, so why even bother with setting one in the first place?

We are each entitled to decide what we are willing to give, invest, and to what extent.

For me, it helps to remember that there are two people in the relationship and we are both adults with adult agency. (Agency simply means that we have the power to make our own decisions and take action for ourselves.)

I can ask for whatever I want or need. The other person can then make a decision:

– They can accept what we are asking for and modify their behavior in response;
– They can determine they have challenges with our request and negotiate with us for a solution that works for both of us;
– Or, they can choose to deny or ignore our request so that there is no change in the relationship.

When we ask for something or set a boundary, we are not tying their hands. We are not dictating terms. We are stating a request or need and then providing space for the other person to respond.

When we ask for something or set a boundary, we are not tying their hands.

Similarly, we aren’t obligated to accept however the other person responds in the relationship. They may have a specific need that we are not capable of accommodating.

We are not obligated to take on their needs; usually, there are several ways for a need to be met and – because we have agency – we can choose what we want to take on and trust that they will find another solution.

Sometimes, that process will be painful for the other person (or for us!), and that’s unfortunate. It doesn’t change the core of the experience: We are each entitled to decide what we are willing to give, invest, and to what extent.

Here’s a great example: I have a girlfriend, Alexa, who works off a different moral standard than I do. She is a wonderful person but can be manipulative at times.

It works for her: She gets most of what she wants. When we were younger, this would often involve aggressive negotiation that made our other friends and me very uncomfortable.

When we would go for a weekend in Vegas, three of us would head to the bar for champagne (this is back in my drinking days) while Alexa headed over to the registration desk to negotiate for free upgrades to our accommodations.

She was always highly effective: Because of her, I’ve stayed in some of the most amazing suites offered on the Strip, and usually for no more than $75/night for my share.

It took us too many years to realize that we would never stop her from pushing for these free upgrades; for her, it was a way to care for her friends and help us have the best experience possible. We didn’t like the way she approached it and would have been satisfied with sleeping on cots and sharing beds in our originally-booked rooms.

Two differing approaches. Different needs. When we finally came up with the compromise of our going to the bar during her negotiations, it was a significant step forward in our relationships. We acknowledged who Alexa is without judgment, reducing her frustration with us. The level of drama dropped significantly within our little group.

Raised voices and talking over each other is a fight to be heard.

It was an effective boundary: Do what you are going to do, just don’t ask us to participate.

Here’s another I’ve set with Harper, my daughter: She can feel angry and upset and disappointed, but she may not talk back to me.

I’m OK with her expressing her emotions by telling me how she feels. “Mom, I feel angry right now. I don’t think you’re listening to me.” I’m not OK with her yelling at me, “You never listen to me, and I hate you!”

It took me a long time and a lot of work to figure out how to parent her properly so that she didn’t feel the need to lash out due to her emotional state.

In fact, that was something I learned from Harper: When we lash out emotionally and dramatically, it’s usually a reflection that we don’t feel there is space for us in the relationship to express our needs.

Raised voices and talking over each other is a fight to be heard. To be understood. To be validated. It’s why many relationship counselors suggest couples set ground rules for arguing. When we agree not to yell and not to talk until our spouse is done speaking, what we are really doing is agreeing to let their voice be heard.

The friends who don’t respect boundaries aren’t friends.

These are relational boundaries that we agree to in healthy relationships. One limit that Dan and I set is that we won’t call each other names when we argue. This rule went unstated until I called him an asshole once during an argument.

Why did I call him that? I was frustrated because I didn’t feel heard. It crossed a line for him.

There are other things I can’t do in an argument if I want a resolution: I can’t imply that he doesn’t care for his family; I can’t call him irresponsible; I can’t call him a poor provider. It doesn’t matter how many hours he works or how many nights I sleep alone while he pulls overtime shifts; these descriptions are off-limits.

What I can do is tell him how stressed I’m feeling from being the sole caregiver for Harper. I can say to him that I’m having trouble sleeping well because he hasn’t been in bed with me for four nights straight due to his work schedule.

These are boundaries he’s set. There’s nothing that obligates me to meet them, outside of my desire to have a healthy and respectful marriage. I’ve also found that when I respond positively to his boundaries, he considers mine more thoughtfully.

Of course, I’ve also had times when my request for a boundary wasn’t met as I’d hoped. I’ve had friends who didn’t care that their body-shaming impacted my self-esteem, or that telling me I’m no fun for not going out on a Friday night when I was a single mom made me feel guilty and less-than.

As I’ve gotten better about setting and respecting boundaries, I’ve witnessed my relationships healing.

What I learned from those experiences is that the friends who don’t respect boundaries aren’t friends. Friendships are built on trust and respect; if you can’t recognize my needs, then we aren’t friends.

There’s a flip side to this, too: We can be the boundary-crossers. It was a shock to me when I realized in a therapy session that I was angry at someone because they set a boundary with me and I didn’t like it. The emotional fallout is mine to manage; my real calling is to determine if I can accept the boundary, or what alternatives are reasonable for me.

Here’s an example: I have an African-American friend who, like me, has a diverse Facebook friend group. She posted a request for feedback on an employment situation and specifically requested feedback just from her black friends: the people she felt were in the best position to respond.

Two other people (non-black) responded to her post, and I took that as an opportunity to answer as well.

I was wrong, and she was justifiably angry with me. She set a clear boundary, and I violated it.

Worse, I was angry when she called me out on it. I was so accustomed to crossing boundaries at the time (and not getting called on it) that it was deeply uncomfortable for me to be called out. I knew intellectually that, in a similar situation, my reaction would be identical, but I still didn’t like it.

Guess what? My anger was not her problem. It was my problem to deal with, and it’s something I still work through in therapy.

However, as I’ve gotten better about setting and respecting boundaries, I’ve witnessed my relationships healing. I’ve seen them growing stronger. As we both practice, we respond to each other better and meet needs more effectively.

As a result, I have friends now who know how to support me in a depression, and I have a desire to reach out and help them when I know they are struggling. I’m tied into a stronger community, and I have levels of intimacy and trust that I didn’t think were possible.

Boundaries are important.

For more information on how to set and enforce boundaries, check out this article on using the DEAR MAN method.